rape....

One of my favourite things about poetry is that it is documenting an emotion. We are never able to say that an emotion is wrong and so its one of the few things we are forced to accept, finding things out about ourselves in the process.
I choose to read all poems as if they are written from real life experiences and i try to respond to them in this way.
In all honesty i liked the poem, i like the reasoning behind the poem, the need for release, for acceptance and possibly some forgiveness for the guilt you seem to feel.
First ill just say a few words on that. Drugs are never the right route to follow, especially at your age, trust me I've been there, you wont find anything good.
You seem to feel slightly guilty for this occurring and i might suggest that if it has happened multiple times, perhaps you could re-evaluate how you might be getting yourself into these situations and try to avoid them in the future, no one wants to see you hurt.
I would also advise trying to talk to someone about the incident, if this has actually happened to you then its not acceptable t keep these people safe by lying to protect them. They could easily do it to someone who might not be as strong as you. Perhaps a teacher or doctor or church member.
Now onto the poem. There were a few short bits in it that i felt blocked the flow of the piece. The title immediately gives away the content of the poem, and so before reading it i had already rejudged, something i try not to do but occurs naturally. I feel that perhaps a slightly more abstract title would be a better fit? something short and simple, hard hitting. Perhaps "You" would suffice?
The third line of the third stanza "for again it will not happen" i don't know about this line, i feel it breaks the audience's attention, at least for me it did. Perhaps a rewording of this line, or the entire stanza might help it flow better. For when a poem flows we don't realise we are reading it, we feel it instead.
The piece in its entirety works well, you have a strong theme and some strong emotion, as a raw piece this is good, i recommend redrafting though until u feel its perfect.

I think there is a lot of raw talent here, some mistakes to be changed and perhaps modifying some of the words and phrases but overall I think it is very good especially as you are knew to poetry. I wish you luck for the future and look forward to reading your other poems!

Hi Chicka Bee! OK, The first thing I have to ask you is, Are you feeling alright? You said that you had never written about experiences before. Was this an actual experience? If you need to talk...
OK, now for the review. The idea was good, you have the basics down. But you need to tweak the rhythm a bit. Ad nothing words here and there, or take them away. Nothing words include: to a an but or and if . Other than that great job!

This was obviously a very personal piece. For the most part you do a very fine job of portraying a dark tone. However, with the typos and awkwardly phrased lines, the sentiment got a little foggy at times. While you are on to something with this poem, it certainly needs a lot of work for it to really be powerful and live up to its potential. You should go back, proof read and read it out loud; figure out what flows well and what doesn't because the style of this poem is very erratic, there are good areas and there are areas that are not quite as strong. With a little work though this can be a good poem, just spend a little more time on it!

All the best,
Gabe

It's a hard issue to write about, you need credit there. It must be hard to write about so showing it to the web is aspirational. Despite that, I really wasn't sure about this. I think it could have been less stiff, more free flowing. You must have so much emotion, poignance would really help, especially for the last line. Read some of the non fiction, you can get the odd piece of rape and abuse in there and they ca be so emotionally charged, it might give you a few pointers. Also don't use the word rape so much, if you name it something about being hurt by your best friend instead, it would just make it a little more telling.
To be honest, I think that this subject could be so amazing, you just need to research a little, and maybe a different rhythm, that maybe personal preference though, I never liked sonnets that much, but the sonnet set up is what everyone is finding clecha.

Hope I helped, and if you need any help approving it you can PM me

Miriam

Hi, I think that most of the others on here have touched on this, but I don't think that you should be so blunt that you're writing about your rape. Even though you might be comfortable talking about it, it's a sensitive subject and makes your audience feel uncomfortable and awkward, which is exactly what you don't want to do. I think this is a good example of why poetry should be more about suggestion than explanation and recount.

Hello!


Okay, firstly:

One thing I didn't like about this poem was the fact that you told us it was about you. I think maybe the reader should be able to imagine who it was about themeselves. Secondly, I also didn't like that you told us it was about rape. I think maybe you could've led us to believe that, but maybe not put it out there so much. That was a little vague and cliche.


But, I think you did a good job otherwise!!

~*Hailey,<3

...is this a true story or are you just using the premise to a dramatic effect.

this is written very well just the occasional spelling mistakes but that can happen to the best of us. The more you write the better you will get and my hat comes off to you to write about such a touchy subject well done

I didn't like it but the topic was interesting and maybe you can go back to it if you want and fix it up.

the rhyming is very weird in some spots like this one-
All four bring abuse,

More lies to the ones I love,

All because of drugs and beer,

And a bad friend here and there.


Naming the poem RAPE doesn't really go along with the whole poem.
For example,

"RAPE....

You took away our friendship,

You stole my self-asteem,

You hurt me on the inside,

But barely left a bruse."

Rape is a strong term to use but you are saying that your friend barely left a bruise. Needs to be changed.

Alright, over all this is a great poem, but your spelling is (no offense) horrible. I see most people have already corrected you here so I'm not going to go into that.

Instead i want to compliment you. You say you're new to writing things like this, but you write (besides the grammar) very well.

Keep it up, this will take you very far in your life.

It really flows well but it's a bit to forward, maybe make people have to think about what it's about it. Maybe add more about stolen innocence and more metaphors, I think it would make it more powerful.


I know it was my falt,
Ill never try drugs again,
For again it will not happen,
Being raped by my best friend.

Like in that stanza don't actually say the word, people will know what your talking about and it will give the poem more. And thank you for writing about this, someone had to.

Heys. Thanks for the advice. I really didnt know about it either, but I guess it was ok.... I plan on posting more poems as soon as possible!!

I think you deserve respect for writing about this issue. It's a very hard thing to do.

Although I'll agree with the other reviewers in that you need to stop telling the story and focus more on showing, I will say that I found the poetic voice eery and almost hypnotic. I read it to the very end without my attention wandering. Just try and develop this into something more complex, and then you'll be onto a win.

Welcome to YWS, by the way. I'm usually knocking about the poetry forums so you're welcome to send me any work or ask questions.

Eimear

I agree with Demeter. She pointed out a few spelling errors. Self-esteem ends with e-s-t-e-e-m. Not a-s-t-e-e-m.

You took away our friendship,
You stole my self-asteem,
You hurt me on the inside,
But barely left a bruse.

I know it was my falt,
Ill never try drugs again,
For again it will not happen,
Being raped by my best friend.

I know it was my fault,
I'll never try drugs again,
For again it will not happen,
Getting raped by my best friend.

Later dow the road,
It happens four more times,
Three more friends,
And a man I never knew.

Later down the road
It happens four more times;
Three other friends,
And a man I never knew.

To me, it was a bit too telling. Usually, that doesn't bother me, but now I got somehow uncomfortable. Could have been because of the subject, of course. But I think it would've been better impact if you let us guess or conclude that it was about raping. I'm not sure, though.

The flow is good and the stanzas are somewhat equal, which is nice. But there were a few typos; I suggest you correct those. (Like feild --> field, dow --> down, falt --> fault)

Also remember to give some reviews before posting your other work.

Keep on
Demeter

in my honest opinion
ive never liked how sonnets flowed
but this is a good exception
good use of old poetry
flows greatly to make the overpowering emotion of self pity
u need to spell check

Okay, I thought it flowed really well for the most part. There were a few spelling errors and some punctuation flaws; but i thought it was really well written. It had great emotion and to me it wasn't to cliche.
Good Job
A thumbs up from me.
Keep Writing

Hey there!

Okay! You admit you are new to writing this. And I will admit, poetry is a very hard thing to do. The first thing you should do when getting into poetry, is to read a lot of it! That will help you understand how poetry works.

To this, it doesn't work. But I'll explain why, and hopefully the suggestions I give will help you understand and learn how to make it better. All of this poem is telling. Just like in literature, telling is bad. You want to show your reader what is happening, and even more so with poetry, you want them to experience it. Something I think you should do with this poem is pick a single even to talk about. Write it as though it is happening, or perhaps as though the speaker is thinking back to it. Put the reader in the speakers place, and make them feel. Use vivid imagery to describe things (taste, touch, smell, sounds, sights), but don't just describe, make it work together to say something. Be poetic and use metaphor! You don't have to use anything, but it helps put the reader in the speakers place.

In my opinion, poetry should cause the reader to think, feel, or believe something. You need to cause the reader to feel! You need to shake them by the shoulder and say HEY, FEEL SOMETHING! Yes, I'm shouting. ^_^ Get excited about it! Or not. I think reading poetry would really help you, because then you could see what I mean. There are many amazing poets on this site that you can read, rather than buying a poetry book. They include, but are certainly not limited to: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Via, Melja, Sam (though she doesn't have too many of her amazing poems posted yet!) and Caligulas_Launderette.

An old article I wrote that may or may not help you (I'm not sure of the quality of it, haha, It's old!) is Emotional Poetry.

Good Luck! If you have any questions or would like some help on any of the things I mentioned, feel free to pm me. ^^

Hi... Im new to wrighting about anything other than feelings so.... Well Ive never writen about experiences... go as hard as you wanna!